Waking up feeling ugly, unwanted, and wondering: why am I alone? That’s Susan’s reality. Why can’t she find a man who wants her for who she is?
‘Every time I watch these wedding shows on TV, I wonder what is wrong with me. I feel ugly. But with some of the brides, I feel like a mash-up of Beyoncé, Lupita, and Julie Gichuru – unstoppable beauty! Why is it that these brides get the guy? What am I doing wrong? I’m a size 12, hour-glass shaped, and well-endowed. I’m regularly told that I am ‘a sight for sore eyes’. So why do I feel so ugly?
‘I know I am a good person. I work hard and am great at what I do. I am a great cook. I am respectful to people and don’t believe in being a b*!^h. So again, what am I doing wrong?
‘I am almost 25-years-old. I don’t own a car. I rent my apartment like everyone else. I save and I am not in debt. So you can’t use the excuse that I am too much ‘Miss Independent’. I have all that I want. I am just doing the best that I can with what I have.
To every man I ever slept with, I was a ‘chips funga’ and it never went anywhere.
‘I hang out, but in more age-appropriate restaurants and lounges. You won’t see me at loud and noisy clubs. I don’t know whether it is what I do, or what I don’t do. I just don’t seem to attract anyone worthy of a long-term relationship. By conventional standards, I should be someone men fight to love. I am ‘marriage material’. But still, I am the lonely woman going home by herself.
‘To every man I ever slept with, I was a ‘chips funga’ and it never went anywhere. I have had that crappy line, “It’s me, not you” used on me. I even thought that changing my name from Susan might make me more appealing. I just don’t know. It bothers me every day that I wake up, go to work, and get home in the evening; and I am alone. What is wrong with me? Am I that hideous?
‘Do I carry myself in a way that I come off desperate? Is that what adds to my unattractiveness? I just don’t understand.
‘I hear the breakfast show phone-ins in the matatu in the morning, and I just nod my head in agreement while listening to women like me. I don’t know what kind of cure I need, if it actually exists. Whatever it is, I should use it to make me beautiful enough for a man to want me for me.’
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