Dear Future Husband,
I’m a simple woman with simple needs. Or so I’d like to think. But really. I assume that by the time I’m considering you as a partner in this non-stop sleepover party, you have already met a few of my compulsory requirements. You know: 6”3, broad shoulders, kind smile, sharp wit, secure bank account, and killer dance moves; just to name a few. Don’t worry, if you are missing any, we can work on it.
There is, however, one definite deal breaker: a public proposal!
Why, you ask? Here are five simple reasons:
- Overconfidence: In the words of Kendrick Lamar, please ‘sit down and be humble’. I mean, it’s great that you are that sure of my love, but come on. Before I’ve said ‘I do’ at the altar, have some general awareness that I may change my mind. This level of self-assuredness makes me dizzy with disgust.
- This is not romantic. It is a show. My love life is not a spectacle for the world to enjoy. It should be private and just for the two of us.
- I’m an ugly crier. Look here, future love of my life. I would like to hope that before this, you haven’t had to suffer the unsightly view of my weeping face. It’s not pretty. I am likely to be crying from happiness when you pop the question. Can a girl cry in peace, please? Put away the camera, grandma!
- I can’t think of anything more awkward. I already have no idea what to do with my hands or face on my birthday when everyone is signing to me. Should you smile? Sing along? It’s a very stressful event. I would probably break out in hives if strangers, or worse, people we know, were off on the sidelines watching whilst you went down on one knee. Don’t do it, please.
- Most importantly, a gentleman should always give you the option of saying ‘no’. Now how am I supposed to do that when your mom and brother are wailing with joy on the side, filming the spectacle, giddy with the thought of the new addition to the family?
In all seriousness, I will reject your proposal. If you don’t know that this would be an actual nightmare come true for me, then we probably shouldn’t be getting married. Now get back to work, our babies need you to make that paper.
Your Future Wife