Chris Hart: "I Think Couples Should Take Valentine's Day Seriously"

Chris Hart, an industrial chemist turned relationship counsellor is nothing short of a master of his craft. With over 25 years' experience his practice isn't limited to Kenya, he has clientele around the world: Mogadishu, Montreal, Kabul, you name it! How you may ask? He does everything online; WhatsApp audio calls are available to anyone with internet connectivity and what better way to receive salutary advice in this busy world.

Not only does he give invaluable relationship advice but he also does a lot of work in social skills: - working with managers to assist in motivating their staff, working with shy people and those with anxiety.

Chris has quite an interesting love story. He met his wife Caroline online, even though he doesn't advocate for online dating. We had an informative interview with the lively counsellor:

KENYABUZZ: Tell us a little bit about how you met your wife?
CHRIS: [Laugh] Well, I hate to say this but we met online. It wasn't a dating site or anything like that. I had just started writing for the Nation and she wrote an email asking me something. For some reason we went on writing and I have no idea why, being that I usually get lots of e-mails and most exchanges are once, maybe twice. We didn't actually meet for a whole year, we just chatted.

She was living in Kisumu and I was in Nairobi so one day I got an excuse to go to Kisumu and I suggested we meet and then… went on chatting another year. It was one night when I went back to Kisumu that I invited her for dinner and we were just sitting at the bar and I don't know, something changed, [laughs] and within weeks we were living together [laughs]. It was very odd; I can't quite explain any of that. We've been together since 2006.

KENYABUZZ: Do you have anything special planned this Valentine's Day?

CHRIS: Not at the moment. But, we do do things on Valentine's Day. These days we don't often go out on Valentine's Day itself because that's always a little bit of a pain, isn't it? We have a tendency to do something special in the house then maybe go out a day or two early, or a day or two late, and just have a nice meal together. But we definitely celebrate. We do crazy things, and silly things, you know, just to make sure both of us know that we're paying each other attention.

KENYABUZZ: What's your take on Valentine's? Is it overly hyped?

CHRIS: I think it's quite important, quite honestly. I mean it's really mostly important for dating couples. It's not really meant to be as important for people who've been married for 10-15 years. It's intended for people who are new together and finding out about one another.

It's a wonderful way to see how, for example, a couple deal with an event like that and do they find an attractive way of meeting each other's expectations on Valentine's Day. For example, if you're a girl going out with somebody and Valentine's Day comes up, it's quite an important test. I mean, does your guy take it seriously? Does he plan something? Does he make a little bit of mystery and excitement?

The way he tackles all that tells you a tremendous lot about him and it works the same in reverse- if a guy is going out with a girl and feels the urge to do all these things and she responds really well, obviously, the couple is going to go well together, aren't they? So, I think it's quite an interesting test although that sounds a bit clinical. I think couples should take Valentine's Day seriously and obviously enjoy it for everything that it's worth. It's one of those things that if the two of you don't agree on it, then things aren't going too well.

KENYABUZZ: Valentine's comes with an insane amount of pressure. What advice would you give to someone who's not in a relationship during period?

CHRIS: Oh right, I think you'd get a Netflix subscription and the largest box of chocolate and a big bottle of red wine and you stay at home and you pretend it hasn't happened. I don't think you can do anything about it really; you just ignore the whole thing and get away from it all. It's like if it is someone else's birthday, the celebration is not for you.

Having said that, it's hard to avoid since there's a lot of commercialisation and you have to find a way to deflect it. There's a lot you can do to make yourself feel better that doesn't cost much and you can have a great deal of fun and I think that's a test of people's ingenuity.

KENYABUZZ: Is there an ideal place to meet your 'soul mate'?

CHRIS: Yeah, it's where you meet lots of people that you know something about. Like at work- not just the place you work but all the people you meet through work and your friend's friends. In other words, the people your friends introduce you to. Because, if you have a friend, you like them don't you? And there are reasons why you like them so, there'll be reasons why you'll like their friends. Mutual friends and the world of work are the two most important. The third one is the places you go to do the things you're interested in, like church, college and places where you do hobbies.

KENYABUZZ: Would you vouch for online dating, given your experience?

CHRIS: Online has a pretty bad reputation, although that's how I met my wife. I don't recommend online dating; the hit rate is no better than real life and there are a lot of rogues out there. You may not believe this, but there are people running businesses in Lagos where it's like a call centre. And the staff are busy chatting to people around the world who think they've found a boyfriend or girlfriend and their end game is to take a little money off you. And if you do that to 50 people frequently, you can get a lot of money. So, there's a lot of that going on in the internet. So, there are rules. For example, if the person you're chatting with is more than a plane ride away, it's not going to work. You're not going to have a successful relationship with that person.

KENYABUZZ: Is there a set amount of time before which a couple can tie the knot?

CHRIS: Yeah there is actually. First of all, couples mustn't go too fast so if someone starts pressuring you to get married in 2-3 months, they probably have a screw loose. Couples take about a year to just quietly get to know one another. Then there's a reverse sort of thing; if they then don't make the decision, chances are they won't make the decision. So, if you go much beyond a year or 18 months then chances are you're going to break up at some point. So there's a sort of optimum that runs from roughly a year to about 18 months where you actually make the decision. You can imagine, if you do it too quickly then you're taking some big risks; if you take too long there's probably a reason you're taking too long- maybe one of you isn't at the right point in their life and lacks commitment or something of that sort. In general, if you've learnt about each other in a year and you've resolved most problems that occur when couples start up then its going to work. Truthfully, it can go a lot faster but you've got to be very conscious of what you're doing and everything is going to go brilliantly well. So there are examples of people who marry much faster but they were consciously doing it.

Closing statement: Be a bit romantic because, look what happened to me: - I've told you all the things that are in the text books and my story is actually completely different so be a bit open to opportunities. If you are sitting at the bar with somebody and you realize something's changed, don't miss the opportunity because this sort of thing does happen in life.

KENYABUZZ: Do you think there's an ideal way of doing things to make a relationship work?

CHRIS: I think there are certain things that successful couples do. If you do these things then you tend to be successful and if you don't do them, then you tend not to be successful.

For example, I think couples have to be 100% honest with one another. I don't think any form of secrecy works in a marriage. So, if you're with somebody who you don't feel you can be honest with or you don't think they're being honest with you, then you're in trouble. When I say "honest" I mean brutally honest. You know, like you tell each other everything before you're given the third degree. You actually admit things, and you're open about your thoughts and if you have a problem you talk about it.

There's a lot of skills that couples have to develop as well. Like the skills of discussing things that they disagree on and finding ways of agreeing to disagree perhaps, or at least finding the best solution. Also, dare I say it, I think if a couples' sex life is not good then things won't ultimately work out.

How to reach Chris: Google "Chris Hart contacts" and they'll appear right away.